THE DIMSLOW REPORT (original)

Fictive political satire: thoughts on the 2004 U.S. presidential election

John Doe Dimslow Speaks
Well...our name is the Dimslows. And we are stupid. Hell, we did not realize just how stupid until we had the President of the United States over the other day. Seems we are part of some test or focus group, and both campaigns the D's and the R's (I'm so stupid I can't hardly tell much difference between them) both campaigns think they have figured out that if they can get us Dimslows to vote for them, then, by Gum and holler, they will win the whole election, kit and kaboodle....

I--Complaints for the Living
Well, now, after all those dozens then hundreds then thousands then tens of thousands of letters I received--some irate, some cordial like--in response to my note, John Doe Dimslow Speaks, I figured it might be a good thing to put a few bits more forth. But seeing as how I seem to be as dumb as the day I was born, I espy the need to fix up some of them statements I made in my first note, before I got fancified here and all with what I am liking to call the Dimslow Report as if I were some fancy opinionator and all. And then folks want to know about my visit with the other guy, the other candidate for President of these United States of America, the one running for the D's....

II--Cousin Candidates
So me and the Dimslow clan we had dinner with this other candidate fellow who wants to win the all-important Dimslow vote so as he can win the election. Well, I'll be dimpled, if this here candidate did not come on just like the other guy. Hell, I thought I was talking to the same man the way he said whole bunches of things and nothing at all....

III--No Masters
Well, I can be dimmer some days than a twenty watt bulb that has been smashed by an errant hammer. No the picture ain't pretty none. I got me to thinking that I need to clarify something seeing as how I mentioned this feller that goes by name of God in the previous Dimslow Report....

IV--Lying, Thieving and Thugging
Speaking of lies, is it just me and the Dimslow way of seeing things or do the D's lie more often than the R's? No question they are both frequent liars and often corrupt and thuggish in their policies--serving power and privilege, often violently, rather than common people--but since the D's claim to speak more for the downtrodden and disadvantaged and for the people in general and since in reality they act on behalf of the people only a bit more than the R's, then it seems to this Dimslow that this makes the D's bigger liars and leaves the R's for the most part to be more thieving and thuggish in their policies. Either way it's a revolting sight....

V--The Warhawk Debate
Hell, them damn dee-bates get me all riled up under the skin. I sure am glad my name is John Doe and not John Rabbit the way them two warhawks got going last night. It wasn't nothing how they looked, it was what they said. They said, both of them, they was going to destroy Iraq to save it. More or less. And to hell with anything else. To hell with riling up them mad bombers, which is what it's going to do more and more. To hell with everything, they say, we got to up the firepower on Iraq to have peace. We got to break it to fix it. We got to smash it to restore it. Damn, I know I'm stupid, being a John Dow Dimslow and all, but I'm here to tell you that I've got more than enough wits to see that these guys are nuts gone mad....


THE DIMSLOW REPORT (current)